Launching Out

I've been on the launch team for some weeks now to promote a book entitled "How to Love Your Neighbor Without Being Weird" by Amy Lively.

Before this book was ever put into my hands this year, the last two years a desire to reach out to my neighbors in some tangible way was being created in me, but I just didn't know where to start.

Drum roll please and enter: How to Love Your Neighbor Without Being Weird.

This book has given me incentive, started my creative juices flowing and even teaching me what a good neighbor looks like.

Amy talks about starting a Neighborhood Cafe, which is exactly what she did in her own neighborhood.  Inviting your female neighbors over for a cup of coffee and conversation, getting to know their name and something about them.  You never know what will happen.  She shares her mistakes and her successes.

I started this adventure last year, stepping out of my comfort zone to reach out to my neighbors. Ashley and Chris, our neighbors across the street, recently had a baby in the fall of 2014.  I thought, "okay, I'm going to do something for them."  I make a pretty good lasagna, so I decided that would be my gift to them.  What mom doesn't enjoy a meal being brought over?  I took it one step further and bought an outfit with a little toy and a card for Ashley.

Stepping out of my door and knocking on theirs, I found myself feeling like a good neighbor.  Ashley was very appreciative of the food and clothes and later sent me a beautiful thank you card.

Because of my youngest daughter and her husband's dog, when they were here on vacation last year, I was able to find out my neighbor's name behind me, Leanne. She was gracious enough to hunt Sadie down and return her home after she had escaped our yard. What can I do to get to know Leanne even better?  My thoughts are swirling.

Since spring has arrived, I've been thinking what else can I do for my neighbors.

My neighbor next door, Joyce, just had surgery.  "What can I do for her?" is my thought now. 

What about the neighbor on the other side of me?  Her husband yells constantly at her and her son, belittling them both and using foul language.  I'm not sure how I can help her.  Right now I just pray for their family. They need help in a big way.

Dawn, kitty-corner to us across the street, has three boys in high school, a husband and a brother living with her in their small home. I helped her find a job in the medical transcription arena.  Every year we buy a treat from her boys who are Boy Scouts.  They know my husband as Pastor Bruce.  How can I reach out to Dawn this year?  I'm praying for an opportunity.

Recently, I joined an online community where we pray for each of our neighbors.  The website is pray4everyhome.com.  I print off five neighbors every day to pray for.  The names are given to me on this website.  I only needed to register.  

I've also joined the IF: Gathering/Equip community.

You can find them at: ifgathering.com. They have something each month called the IF: Open Table that peaked my curiosity.  The second Sunday of each month you invite 5 people to come to your table at your home.  The table can be an outside picnic table, your dining room table, whatever you want your table to look like.  It can be decorated elegantly, picnic-style, vintage style anything is okay.  Your invite can include women in your neighborhood, church, co-workers - just people you want to get to know.

A simple meal is prepared.  After the meal four women pick a conversation card from the middle of the table and ask a question. Each women answers and a discussion is started with each women sharing her thoughts. The IF:Gathering website provides the four questions for you to download. This has been a God-send.

The next IF: Table is May 17th.  If that date doesn't work, you can chose your own date that month.  I'm already thinking of who I can invite.  A little scary?  You bet.  But I feel this is what God is calling me to do.  

I'm in the process of self-publishing stories of women who have gone through some difficulties in life and have seen the other side of it; women who have come through an abortion, marriage troubles, a child's suicide, a miracle of a birth, relationship struggles and divorce.  These stories, I am hoping, will bring hope and encouragement to other women to say "they got through it, and so can I."

I want to use this book to give to women I meet in my life's journey, in my neighborhood, around my table, to spread the gospel of hope and of Christ's intervention in women's lives.

Many ideas are stirring in me.  I'm not sure exactly how all this will workout, or even what it will look like.  One thing I know for sure is that God will be with me, leading me to women who just need a helping hand or a listening ear.

In my Wednesday night Bible study group for women, I get the opportunity to hear women share their stories, their pain, their joys, sorrows, trials.  Opportunities to pray with them, help them and mostly just listen.

I'm looking forward to seeing what lies ahead and the adventures God has waiting just around the corner. 

Forgiveness with Thanks

This true story is a contribution from my sister Denise Marks. The name of the woman has been withheld for privacy.

Riding the elevator to the 10th floor was surreal. The elevator doors opened to a reception desk.  It was only a few steps to the counter, but my feet felt like leaded weights and all I could do was shuffle.

"We will need your purse, shoes and any other personal items brought with you."  The receptionist handed me a hospital gown.

"Put this on once you are situated in your room; a nurse will visit with you shortly."

She placed my belongings in a locker and escorted me down a long corridor to my temporary home on the psych ward.

As I sat on the edge of the bed, I contemplated the circumstances that had brought me to this place.  I didn't feel like a crazy person, I had never attempted to take my life; I wasn't addicted to drugs and held a full-time job.  Yet, here I was in a hospital gown waiting for a nurse to talk to me.

The Marriage
When I first met Eric, it was a dream come true for a single, divorced mom.  He was good-looking, romantic, charismatic and financially stable.  We met at a local football game.  As we sat in the bleachers and chatted, it became apparent there was a mutual attraction.  We agreed to link up later that evening for dinner.  After a brief courtship with many "too-good-to-be-true" fairy tale moments, we married.

The Hospital
The psych nurse entered my hospital room and took all the usual vitals and then flipped to a new page on her clipboard.

"Let's talk about what brought you here."

After the assessment was completed, I was free to visit the common area where other patients congregated to visit, smoke and play games.

The Marriage
I was happy and content the first two years of marriage.  Apart from the usual marital arguments, life was good.  We purchased a home, enjoyed family vacations and lived a suburbia lifestyle most would envy.  It wasn't unusual for Eric to send flowers to my workplace or send a limo for a surprise lunch date.  There were exquisite gifts and romantic weekend getaways.

But in our third year of marriage, Eric lost his job and everything changed.  It was swift, harsh and the truths sited by his employer left little leave room for debate.  He had cheated the company out of time, money and failed to call on clients.  It wasn't long before the bar stool became Eric's companion of comfort.

The Hospital
I sat perched like a wounded bird on a chair in the common area. The cigarette smoke was suffocating, but I didn't care; my thoughts were focused on the future of my twelve-year-old daughter.  How would all this affect her?  My sadness and depression had left me hopeless and unable to function as a mother.

"Hi, I am Linda."  With tears in my eyes, I looked up to see a young woman standing by my side.  "Is this your first time here?"

She continued, "I cried too on my first visit to the psych ward; I felt so alone."

I wasn't sure what she meant by first visit and shuddered at the thought of being here more than once. Later I learned Linda had been abused as a child and was a frequent patient in the psych ward due to her suicidal tendencies.  It was the first of many interactions I would have with other patients during my hospital stay.

My own circumstances began to register as insignificant as others shared their stories of emotional, physical and mental pain.

My Marriage
After Eric lost his job, he descended into a secret world of drugs, women and alcohol.  Years later I would discover the depth of his abyss and just how close I came to being destroyed by it.  I had married a man that not only lacked integrity, but basic moral principles.

The Hospital
My first therapy session was with eight other patients.  I listened to strangers share the horrors of their physical and emotional abuse; unthinkable acts that I couldn't begin to image.  I have never forgotten how those in my group faced issues far greater than mine, yet reached out with compassion and friendship to help me find my buried hope.

After ten days in the hospital, I checked myself out and returned to work.  I continued with my prescribed meds, but knew all the meds in the world would not fix my broken marriage.

The Marriage
In the early morning hours, Eric crept into our bedroom and crawled beneath the covers.

      " I have something to tell you."

What he said next brought every suspicion to the surface.  I could no longer deny what my heart already knew:

      "Things didn't go well on my job today."  There was a long hesitation before he continued with, so I stopped for a few drinks.  I ended up in a hotel room with a woman I met at the bar....."

The betrayal of a spouse pierces the heart, soul and mind in ways never thought possible.  There are no answers to the questions of why, how could you, or what were you thinking, which only intensifies the heartache of the betrayal.

Eric's admission of infidelity opened Pandora's Box and it wasn't long before I learned his late work nights included prostitutes, strip clubs, alcohol and cocaine use.  I was on the verge of a breakdown as the layers of the man I married were peeled away.  It would eventually send me to the psych ward.

A letter from the IRS is what sent me over the edge.  It stated our home would be seized in 90 days if Eric's delinquent taxes were not paid.  I immediately called Eric and left a message.  He never returned my call and never returned home.

Three months later, I answered a knock at my door and a court officer served me with divorce papers. After closing the door, I phoned my attorney and then fell to the floor and cried.

The Ending
As I stood in the eye of the storm, I couldn't find hope or comprehend God had a plan in place to restore my brokenness; but He did.  With time, family and friends, I was able to rebuild my life, put my daughter through graduate school and eventually marry a man who has been my faithful partner for 17 years.

I haven't spoken to Eric since we divorced, but should we ever have a chance encounter, I would say this:

"I forgive you!  Your weaknesses uncovered my strengths. Your indifference taught me compassion.  Your betrayal of trust showed me I had everything to gain and that when moments in life break us, they can also define and shape us.

I thank you! Through you, I learned the integrity of a person is measured by the obstacles placed before them.  But most of all, I thank you for that visit to the psych ward.  It was there, among the most unlikely friends, I found hope, love and the encouragement to begin again."


Thank you Denise for contributing this story.

Toni Harris

For twenty-two years a high school sweetheart searched for me, and finally, through a mutual friend, he found me and called.

He drove up from Texas, where he now lived, and proceeded to sweep me off my feet. After all those years, like a knight in shining armor coming to rescue the princess and take her away on his valiant steed, he expressed his undying love for me.  He spoke of wanting to be my husband, the father of my children and everything else a single mom, living on her own would want to hear.  I felt adored, loved and wanted.

Within a couple of months, he flew me to Texas to see his home and how he lived.  With the anticipation of blending our families, and requiring more room, we went house shopping. We settled on a 2500 square foot modular home with four bedrooms, even picking out the cabinets and everything our new home would need.

My dream was finally coming true.  

As a single mom, I struggled to make ends meet, wanting a man to come into my life and say, “Toni, I’m going to take care of it all and give you everything you’ve ever wanted.” 

I returned home, and as I immersed myself in preparations to make this dream come true, a nagging feeling began to emerge deep inside of me, a feeling that something wasn’t right.

I knew in my heart-of-hearts that he wasn’t living for the Lord.

Part of me was convinced that if he was around me, I could persuade him.  He would see my love for the Lord and be drawn to God.  But God showed me the truth.  He revealed to me that I needed to search the scriptures to find all the marriages that were unevenly yoked, so I could see what the results of such a union would be.  To my surprise, every example ended in one mate turning away from God and worshiping other gods.  This was a heart-crushing moment for me.  As much as the relationship seemed like a dream come true, the thought of being pulled away from the Lord was unbearable. 

I knew it would be a nightmare for me to lose my relationship with Jesus.  I could not do that.  Right then I knew that there was only one thing I needed to do: cut this relationship off.  This was going to be difficult because I knew he was in the process of buying this house, property, and preparing for my arrival.  But I had to end this relationship and tell him "I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this”.

My emotions during this time were like a rollercoaster ride – up and down, twisting and turning, first feeling like a school girl who had fluttery feelings of “Look, I’m going to get married” and then thinking, “This isn’t real.”  My mind swirled, “This has to be nothing more than a lie from the devil himself.  This is not what God has for me”.  I had to come to terms with these overwhelming emotions and thoughts. 

I have to admit there was a part of me that said “I’ve been married twice before, and they were both outside of a relationship with the Lord”.  I felt God had done so much in me and changed me that now I could be a good wife, a godly wife.  Part of me thought, “Here’s my opportunity,” but another part of me realized that this is not it.  I struggled with the thought that I might never be married and wondered if this was just a test: a test of whether I was going to follow my own reasoning or be true to what I believed and trust God.

I knew I had to make the phone call. 

It would be a very difficult conversation for me, since he was not living for the Lord.  I had to say “You know I can’t marry you.  I can’t move down there because it’s not what the Lord wants me to do.”  It was, of course, not a sufficient answer for him.  His response was what I expected: “What do you mean? We decided on this.  We made these plans.  How can you just say ‘I’ve changed my mind’?”  He was very angry with me, and actually went ahead and purchased the house and has lived in it ever since.

In the natural it looked like everything that a single mom struggling to raise her children would want, a man who loved and adored her with a well-paying job, providing a nice stable home, but it was all founded on shifting sand. 

Through this, I’ve learned a very important lesson:  

I have to truly trust the Lord and know that Jesus is the only one who can provide true stability for me and my children, not a man.  I had to trust him through this whole process.   Everything in the natural was telling me, “Are you stupid?”  I had to know that He would always guide me and direct me, if I was willing and obedient in my heart to respond to what He would tell me.

This took me to a point where I received the Lord as my husband, saying “You are the one who is going to provide for me.  You are the one that I’m going to look to for all the things I need.”  It’s interesting that not long after this incident happened the Lord put it into my heart to purchase a home, which I had no idea I could do because of my credit history.  I always tell people when they come to my house that this is the house God gave me. 

I believe the Lord took me through this whole journey to show me He will provide.  I had miracle after miracle.  It was God’s hand in my life saying “I am your husband.  I will take care of you and your children”.  It changed the way I viewed God, making my relationship with Him more intimate.

In this journey, I've learned I am to pursue God alone.  Whether I ever become a wife or my children have a father is irrelevant.  I must love the Lord regardless of my circumstances, and He is faithful and just.  He loves me with a pure love that I can never find in this world.  My completion is in the Lord. 

The Lord has taken me to a place where I can have a relationship now and not look to a man to be my all-in-all.  It’s strengthened my commitment making be stronger in my faith.  I am able to recognize my weaknesses and be okay with being weak.  God will be my strength.  I am more aware and more on guard.

The childhood sweetheart? 

He has been in contact with me off and on since then.  Now that I am on the other side of this, and trusting God for everything, I have told him once again that I am looking for someone to be a spiritual leader in my life and you’re not there. I will be your friend, but I cannot be in this picture that you’ve envisioned. 

It’s been freeing for me to know that it’s okay to put boundaries up and say, “No I’m sorry, this goes against what I believe,” and to be able to live that out.  It’s helped me to come full circle.  I know in my heart that at the end of every day, I must remain true to what I believe. 

Interviewed & edited by Sharon Garner 

Sue Drake

These past few years have been quite stressful.  I thought a few months of sick leave would relieve the horrible pain that consumed my every moment, and then, I could once again handle the stresses of my job.  But I needed relief from the anxiety that was threatening to push me over the edge of no return.

But the sick leave did not work as I had hoped. 

Instead, I experienced increased pain and stress, and I was unable to return to work.  Now I’m on narcotic medications in an attempt to bring some relief to my physical pain, and I still deal with stress that goes along with losing a pretty decent paying job.

I had fallen into an abyss where I could see no hope, but God blessed me with a few trusted dear friends who would hope for me when I couldn’t.

My physical problems started at birth. 

I was born with a rare, degenerative bone and joint birth defect that has resulted in over a dozen surgeries and multiple injuries, and now the diagnosis of severe fibromyalgia on top of it.  I live every day in chronic pain, and cannot remember what it is to be pain-free.

As I grew, I allowed these defects, abnormalities, and pain to cause wrong thinking about myself.  I began to think of myself as defective.  I already had seen myself as different as a consequence of dealing with this all of my life, and that came with emotional pain.  Adding to this, a marriage to a man who rejected me and was emotionally and verbally abusive only caused more messed up thinking about who I was.  This accelerated beyond my control.  I took on the identity of a failure, a loser, and undesirable.  Thank God that I sought counseling, for I honestly believe I would not be here today if I had not done so.  She literally saved my life.

Life seemed so much easier when I kept hidden the deep pain of my soul: the raw and bleeding hurts, rejections, abuses.  Nevertheless, I began to share a little here and there with my closest friends, but because of the fear of rejection and deception by the enemy, I kept the worst of my pain inside.

Then one day my world crumbled all around me. 

I realized that the healing that I needed when I first went on sick leave was not happening.  My mom had to have chemotherapy after having a mastectomy a few months before, and then months of radiation.  My nephew, who was only 22, was killed in an accident during this time, adding grief and sorrow to my feelings of failure and rejection. A month later, my boss, who was one of my dearest friends, died suddenly. I broke down. I lay in bed staring at the four walls, not wanting to get up, just wanting to sleep. 

“Would there ever be an end to all of this?” I thought.  It was hard enough when you’re strong, but I was in a fragile place, and just wanted to disappear.

I know that God is with me and can heal my unrelenting pain. 

I never doubted that through all of this.  But there have definitely been times where I have wondered where He was and why I have had to go through this.  I am not talking about a desert experience; I am talking about a death experience.  A death of who I was, who I thought I would be.

I’ve realized that I have a choice of who I want to be.  I don’t have a choice when it comes to my physical difficulties.  There is no medical cure.  There is no hope physically when you have a disease that causes degeneration of your bones and joints.  I will live in pain, but always praying for the day when God will completely heal me.  Fatigue will overwhelm me at times.  I will no longer be able to function athletically as I once did.  My emotions will be affected and mentally I will deal with loss of concentration and memory due to the intense pain.

However, I do have a choice to live or die—to live physically, emotionally and mentally. I may have no control in the natural, but I do have a choice whether I allow God to use me the way I am or just survive.  As far as my choices go, I know that I may not always make the right ones.  I will have seasons where I’m angry, discouraged and want to give up.  But there are also those times when I lay all of that aside and allow the Holy Spirit to have His way in my life, to use me as He chooses.  I wish that I could say I am brave and strong and have “super human” abilities that cause me to never have bad days, days of self pity, but I’m human.  I live in a body that, at times, screams and cries out in pain and mental anguish.  But in the midst of the unrelenting pain, I still trust in Him who made me, in Him who can heal me.

I’m trusting the Lord for direction for healing of my physical body. I do have a peace that He is going to see me through this, but having no clue what tomorrow will bring.  I know that God can make a way where there seems to be no way.  I just have to trust and quit trying to figure it out for Him. 

My prayer is this:

Lord, help me to trust, help me to lay my frustrations, my worries down.  I don’t want to have an emotional relapse.  I need your strength, mine is gone.  Yours is better anyhow.  Thank you for the foundation that you have laid in me so many years ago and continue to build, mend, and repair.  Because of your foundation under my feet, I can express to you my insecurities, my anguish, my fears, my emotional and mental pain. You know my heart, I’m trusting that you will not let my feet stumble.  I am still trusting that one day I will be made completely whole.  I will not give up.

Edited by Sharon Garner

Taken from Sue Drake's Journal Writings 

Diane Breckenridge

My 10-year promise to God had been broken.  In breaking the promise, I was unaware of the ramifications it would ignite.     

After a two year involvement with a man, I made a promise to God that I would not get tangled up in anymore dating relationships.  I needed to concentrate on raising my kids, Courtney and Nick. 

With this promise made, I raised my children and had a blast.  During this time, I started a ministry called “Renewed Hope” to reach out to women who had been abused.  Things were going well.

Unfortunately, this was not to last.  

My promise fell apart in September of 2009 when I met Rodney.  I knew he had some issues, but I was not fully aware, as yet, of how deep those issues went.

At this time, Courtney was in college and Nick had graduated from high school.  I had nothing to do anymore, thinking, “nobody needs me”.  Since Rodney said he was a Christian, I thought, “Okay God, this must be for me.” I literally talked myself into believing that this was right—that God had sent him to me.  I even allowed him to move into my home.  I should have gotten a clue when my son moved out to live with another family, but I didn’t.

With Rodney living in my house, I soon became aware that he was addicted to crack.  Because of who I am, I tried to help him, but the wrong way.  It’s never a good idea to try to be someone’s Savior.   

Christmas of that same year found me in a state of depression. Since allowing him to move in, the Holy Spirit was convicting me big time, and my children intervened.  They “kidnapped” me—taking me to my church to see one of my pastors.  His response: “We’ve got to get him out of your house”.  Eventually, he did leave, ending this disastrous relationship that had lasted close to four years.  My son then returned home.

When I look back on this

I realize I had no idea the hurt my children endured, especially my son.  I was all they had growing up.    

I became immersed in shame, and began surrendering  to my thoughts thinking, “I fell at church, fell at work, and hurt my children, now it’s all hitting me.”

Filled with regret, and repeatedly getting hit with thoughts of unworthiness, I began to push people out of my life.  Overwhelmed with feelings of shame, I began to have problems with my hip.

Freedom One Sunday Morning

It came to a head one Sunday morning at church in April of 2013, when I went up for prayer for my hips.  “You’ve got to pray for my hips.  I’m sick of this pain and being on pain meds”, I said to my friend Marvin.  Marvin prayed for me, but also said, “Diane, I’ve got to tell you something. God says he wants to do a great work through you, and he’s going to heal your pain, but first he has to heal your emotional pain”, so Marvin prayed for me.

This was the beginning of my life being changed forever in April of 2013.  The change continued during a sermon series Pastor Bruce had started on embracing God’s love. He stressed how our sins have been forgiven as far as the east is from the west, even explaining that north and south have an end point, but east and west do not. I thought “Wow! That’s it! God you’ve forgiven me”.

God's Continued Work

During the next few months, God continued to work in me, and Thanksgiving morning of 2013, while at the gym, my freedom came.  God spoke to me as I exercised and sang songs from my iPod.  While praising God and sobbing, He spoke to me the word “shame” and said, “it’s going to kill you.  This is what you’ve got to let go of and the unworthiness”.  As the songs played and with my eyes closed, I saw visions of chains breaking off of me. The Holy Spirit kept saying “name your chains.” So I named my chains—unworthiness and shame.  God was definitely getting my attention as the songs continued playing:  “He Knows My Name” and “Moving Forward”. 

I learned something about myself through all this, and it has changed me.  I now like me.  I laugh more, have my joy back, I’m more obedient to God and I have hope.  Oh yes, and the pain in my hips is gone.  I have been set free. 

My ministry “Renewed Hope” is restarted after many road blocks and detours. This difficult time has taught me I cannot do anything without God, and if I don’t listen to him, my life can become a chaotic mess.  I have learned that even at my worst, God will use me to witness to other people.

Now, I know God loves me unconditionally.  

He has brought me out of feeling shameful and unworthy.  I am convinced He did everything possible to get my attention until He just took me to the end.  It’s as if He said, “Okay Diane, you’ve got everybody out of your life now, except me.”  If God tried that hard to hang onto me and never gave up on me, He must really want something from me.  You don’t serve God because you’re trying to get in with Him.  You serve Him because of what He’s already done for you.  Why wouldn’t you want to?

I think my heart is more compassionate now.  And because of what I’ve been through, I’ve had more opportunities to talk about shame and how it can cripple you.

The darkness isn’t there anymore and the unfilled emptiness is gone.  I can now worship freely again. God has used this experience to mold and shape me because He wants me to lean on Him alone.

Written by Sharon Garner

Interviewing Diane Breckenridge