Sue Drake

These past few years have been quite stressful.  I thought a few months of sick leave would relieve the horrible pain that consumed my every moment, and then, I could once again handle the stresses of my job.  But I needed relief from the anxiety that was threatening to push me over the edge of no return.

But the sick leave did not work as I had hoped. 

Instead, I experienced increased pain and stress, and I was unable to return to work.  Now I’m on narcotic medications in an attempt to bring some relief to my physical pain, and I still deal with stress that goes along with losing a pretty decent paying job.

I had fallen into an abyss where I could see no hope, but God blessed me with a few trusted dear friends who would hope for me when I couldn’t.

My physical problems started at birth. 

I was born with a rare, degenerative bone and joint birth defect that has resulted in over a dozen surgeries and multiple injuries, and now the diagnosis of severe fibromyalgia on top of it.  I live every day in chronic pain, and cannot remember what it is to be pain-free.

As I grew, I allowed these defects, abnormalities, and pain to cause wrong thinking about myself.  I began to think of myself as defective.  I already had seen myself as different as a consequence of dealing with this all of my life, and that came with emotional pain.  Adding to this, a marriage to a man who rejected me and was emotionally and verbally abusive only caused more messed up thinking about who I was.  This accelerated beyond my control.  I took on the identity of a failure, a loser, and undesirable.  Thank God that I sought counseling, for I honestly believe I would not be here today if I had not done so.  She literally saved my life.

Life seemed so much easier when I kept hidden the deep pain of my soul: the raw and bleeding hurts, rejections, abuses.  Nevertheless, I began to share a little here and there with my closest friends, but because of the fear of rejection and deception by the enemy, I kept the worst of my pain inside.

Then one day my world crumbled all around me. 

I realized that the healing that I needed when I first went on sick leave was not happening.  My mom had to have chemotherapy after having a mastectomy a few months before, and then months of radiation.  My nephew, who was only 22, was killed in an accident during this time, adding grief and sorrow to my feelings of failure and rejection. A month later, my boss, who was one of my dearest friends, died suddenly. I broke down. I lay in bed staring at the four walls, not wanting to get up, just wanting to sleep. 

“Would there ever be an end to all of this?” I thought.  It was hard enough when you’re strong, but I was in a fragile place, and just wanted to disappear.

I know that God is with me and can heal my unrelenting pain. 

I never doubted that through all of this.  But there have definitely been times where I have wondered where He was and why I have had to go through this.  I am not talking about a desert experience; I am talking about a death experience.  A death of who I was, who I thought I would be.

I’ve realized that I have a choice of who I want to be.  I don’t have a choice when it comes to my physical difficulties.  There is no medical cure.  There is no hope physically when you have a disease that causes degeneration of your bones and joints.  I will live in pain, but always praying for the day when God will completely heal me.  Fatigue will overwhelm me at times.  I will no longer be able to function athletically as I once did.  My emotions will be affected and mentally I will deal with loss of concentration and memory due to the intense pain.

However, I do have a choice to live or die—to live physically, emotionally and mentally. I may have no control in the natural, but I do have a choice whether I allow God to use me the way I am or just survive.  As far as my choices go, I know that I may not always make the right ones.  I will have seasons where I’m angry, discouraged and want to give up.  But there are also those times when I lay all of that aside and allow the Holy Spirit to have His way in my life, to use me as He chooses.  I wish that I could say I am brave and strong and have “super human” abilities that cause me to never have bad days, days of self pity, but I’m human.  I live in a body that, at times, screams and cries out in pain and mental anguish.  But in the midst of the unrelenting pain, I still trust in Him who made me, in Him who can heal me.

I’m trusting the Lord for direction for healing of my physical body. I do have a peace that He is going to see me through this, but having no clue what tomorrow will bring.  I know that God can make a way where there seems to be no way.  I just have to trust and quit trying to figure it out for Him. 

My prayer is this:

Lord, help me to trust, help me to lay my frustrations, my worries down.  I don’t want to have an emotional relapse.  I need your strength, mine is gone.  Yours is better anyhow.  Thank you for the foundation that you have laid in me so many years ago and continue to build, mend, and repair.  Because of your foundation under my feet, I can express to you my insecurities, my anguish, my fears, my emotional and mental pain. You know my heart, I’m trusting that you will not let my feet stumble.  I am still trusting that one day I will be made completely whole.  I will not give up.

Edited by Sharon Garner

Taken from Sue Drake's Journal Writings 

Diane Breckenridge

My 10-year promise to God had been broken.  In breaking the promise, I was unaware of the ramifications it would ignite.     

After a two year involvement with a man, I made a promise to God that I would not get tangled up in anymore dating relationships.  I needed to concentrate on raising my kids, Courtney and Nick. 

With this promise made, I raised my children and had a blast.  During this time, I started a ministry called “Renewed Hope” to reach out to women who had been abused.  Things were going well.

Unfortunately, this was not to last.  

My promise fell apart in September of 2009 when I met Rodney.  I knew he had some issues, but I was not fully aware, as yet, of how deep those issues went.

At this time, Courtney was in college and Nick had graduated from high school.  I had nothing to do anymore, thinking, “nobody needs me”.  Since Rodney said he was a Christian, I thought, “Okay God, this must be for me.” I literally talked myself into believing that this was right—that God had sent him to me.  I even allowed him to move into my home.  I should have gotten a clue when my son moved out to live with another family, but I didn’t.

With Rodney living in my house, I soon became aware that he was addicted to crack.  Because of who I am, I tried to help him, but the wrong way.  It’s never a good idea to try to be someone’s Savior.   

Christmas of that same year found me in a state of depression. Since allowing him to move in, the Holy Spirit was convicting me big time, and my children intervened.  They “kidnapped” me—taking me to my church to see one of my pastors.  His response: “We’ve got to get him out of your house”.  Eventually, he did leave, ending this disastrous relationship that had lasted close to four years.  My son then returned home.

When I look back on this

I realize I had no idea the hurt my children endured, especially my son.  I was all they had growing up.    

I became immersed in shame, and began surrendering  to my thoughts thinking, “I fell at church, fell at work, and hurt my children, now it’s all hitting me.”

Filled with regret, and repeatedly getting hit with thoughts of unworthiness, I began to push people out of my life.  Overwhelmed with feelings of shame, I began to have problems with my hip.

Freedom One Sunday Morning

It came to a head one Sunday morning at church in April of 2013, when I went up for prayer for my hips.  “You’ve got to pray for my hips.  I’m sick of this pain and being on pain meds”, I said to my friend Marvin.  Marvin prayed for me, but also said, “Diane, I’ve got to tell you something. God says he wants to do a great work through you, and he’s going to heal your pain, but first he has to heal your emotional pain”, so Marvin prayed for me.

This was the beginning of my life being changed forever in April of 2013.  The change continued during a sermon series Pastor Bruce had started on embracing God’s love. He stressed how our sins have been forgiven as far as the east is from the west, even explaining that north and south have an end point, but east and west do not. I thought “Wow! That’s it! God you’ve forgiven me”.

God's Continued Work

During the next few months, God continued to work in me, and Thanksgiving morning of 2013, while at the gym, my freedom came.  God spoke to me as I exercised and sang songs from my iPod.  While praising God and sobbing, He spoke to me the word “shame” and said, “it’s going to kill you.  This is what you’ve got to let go of and the unworthiness”.  As the songs played and with my eyes closed, I saw visions of chains breaking off of me. The Holy Spirit kept saying “name your chains.” So I named my chains—unworthiness and shame.  God was definitely getting my attention as the songs continued playing:  “He Knows My Name” and “Moving Forward”. 

I learned something about myself through all this, and it has changed me.  I now like me.  I laugh more, have my joy back, I’m more obedient to God and I have hope.  Oh yes, and the pain in my hips is gone.  I have been set free. 

My ministry “Renewed Hope” is restarted after many road blocks and detours. This difficult time has taught me I cannot do anything without God, and if I don’t listen to him, my life can become a chaotic mess.  I have learned that even at my worst, God will use me to witness to other people.

Now, I know God loves me unconditionally.  

He has brought me out of feeling shameful and unworthy.  I am convinced He did everything possible to get my attention until He just took me to the end.  It’s as if He said, “Okay Diane, you’ve got everybody out of your life now, except me.”  If God tried that hard to hang onto me and never gave up on me, He must really want something from me.  You don’t serve God because you’re trying to get in with Him.  You serve Him because of what He’s already done for you.  Why wouldn’t you want to?

I think my heart is more compassionate now.  And because of what I’ve been through, I’ve had more opportunities to talk about shame and how it can cripple you.

The darkness isn’t there anymore and the unfilled emptiness is gone.  I can now worship freely again. God has used this experience to mold and shape me because He wants me to lean on Him alone.

Written by Sharon Garner

Interviewing Diane Breckenridge

Diane Hestor

This vacation would be like no other.  I had no inkling of the devastating news I would receive.  As we packed and prepared for our summer family vacation, I felt a nudge from the Lord to talk to my husband Steve about an incident that had happened years ago earlier in our marriage.  Brushing it aside, I thought, “this happened 20 years ago.  Why would I bring that up now while we are getting ready for vacation?  “This can’t be God”, and proceeded to talk myself out of such a revealing moment.

Our vacation was going along well, until the last evening.  

After dinner, I had decided to take a walk along the lake behind our campsite. Steve followed me after I had been gone for a few minutes.  It was at this time my husband of 21 years asked me for a divorce. My mind reeled, thinking “Divorce?”  I was plainly in shock, not suspecting this scenario at all.  It’s amazing I could even think of saying, “you’re involved with someone aren’t you?”  His response was “yes.”

After this confirmation, I recalled the nudging I had experienced prior to leaving on vacation and began to relay to Steve the incident of 20 years ago. 

We had been married for a few years and living in California.  

We were at a very low point in our marriage.  Steve had been discharged out of the army and doing drugs.   I was working and feeling very alone taking care of our son Steven, who was between two and three years old.  During this time of loneliness, I had an affair.   As I relayed this to my husband, his face expressed shock but still dead-set on wanting to end our marriage.

It felt like a tsunami had hit me with violent force.  I felt physically ill. 

In that moment, he expressed to me that I was a great person, and even a great mom, but we were just too different.  I was a Christian, and he was not.  “You should meet someone more like you”, he said.  Already feeling emotionally stunned, he expressed he wasn’t happy.

How do you recuperate from that, having to pretend none of this happened, since my youngest son and his friend were with us?  We had the packing up and the drive home yet.

Upon returning home, he wanted to continue living in our house together for at least another week.  After what seemed like eternity, he moved out.  Before he did, we sat down with our two boys, Steven and Karl, and told them the uncomfortable news, “mom and dad are getting a divorce.”  I left the room crying forced to face the fact that our marriage was over.  Thankfully, my boys were very comforting to me.

Seven years went by before he filed for divorce.   

Divorce is a painful experience.  You really do become one.  I experienced pain from crying but also an actual physical tearing from deep within my soul.  Thoughts would swirl around in my head wondering “what am I going to do now? I can’t believe this has happened to me?”

I needed help in getting through this, so I began going to divorce care and read a book on divorce from the perspective of the one who asked for the divorce.  It was a real eye opener.  I started to grasp his emotional disconnect when he broke the news.  He had already separated himself from me and made the decision to leave.  Now I had to start the process as well.

Divorcing is a lot like death, except the person is still alive. 

I went through the stages of grief.  In order to get through my stage of anger, I began working out, lifting weights, because I didn’t know what to do with myself.  Some of my angriest moments were watching my children trying to handle our divorce.  I eventually came to the place where I would allow myself the space to feel it emotionally.  I knew I needed to.

Something remarkable happened to me in 2013 as I sat in church. 

Our pastor was preaching about husbands and wives, something that was still uncomfortable for me to hear.  As he preached, I felt my emotions stir again, feeling the pain.  In that moment, I brought this pain to the Lord, giving it to Him, not knowing what else to do.  

That Sunday evening, as I was getting ready for bed, I realized the emotion I was feeling was unforgiveness.  “After all this time, unforgiveness?”  The Holy Spirit was telling me that I needed to forgive Steve.  Forgive him for taking away my dream of growing old with someone.  I recalled thinking that thought when he told me he wanted a divorce. Praise God for that extraordinary evening when God’s presence burst into my life and I relinquished my unforgiving heart.

Through all this, I have learned

I cannot control anybody else or their choices, only my own.  I’m responsible for me……Diane.  I had to deal with regretful thoughts like “how come I couldn’t win over my husband like the Proverbs 31 woman? I did pray for him, fasted for him?”  I had to come to terms that I was not responsible for the choices he made.

I’ve learned to embrace today and realize that once today is gone, it’s gone. 

I have found a strength I never knew existed in me – living alone, doing things on my own.  My circle of friends has become larger.  I am totally surrounded.

Today, when I look at myself, I see someone completely different.  There are things I will not settle for again, when I do meet someone else.  It has made me know the Lord as my husband and deeply enriched my faith family. 

Interviewed and edited by Sharon Garner