Colorado

My visit here in Minturn, Colorado will soon be coming to an end.  I leave November 14th to return to Michigan.

My arrival here was uneventful, thankfully.  It's usually an all day travel for this wanderer.  I leave Flint Bishop Airport and arrive at an appointed destination to again board another plane for Denver.

From DIA I wait to board the shuttle they provide to drive me across the mountains into Vail.  It's a two and a half hour trip with 10 other people and our luggage.

Once I arrive at the Vail Transit Center (VTC), I wait for Kelly and Ana to come pick me up.

I'm pretty tired after this long day of travel.

While I'm here, I take care of Ana Monday's and Friday's and do whatever I can to help Kelly and give her a much-needed break.

Minturn is a small community town where like Cheers "everybody knows your name".  Many people here have small businesses in town - some may work in Vail, Avon or Edwards as well.

Kelly's apartment building is older with six apartment units that face the mountains.  There is a river that runs through a quaint park across the street where I take Ana to play on the playground.  An amphitheater in the park is used throughout the summer for concerts.  It's a beautiful place with the mountains surrounding you on every side.

The mountains.

The centerpiece of this valley.

There are tons of mountain ranges to ski, hike, and bike.

I've been here so many times that I forget to enjoy the mountain scenery. When I drive or ride with Kelly, I forget to take it all in - the mountains.  You won't find this in Michigan.  So today.....

I'll take it in and enjoy the mass of mountains surrounding me, enjoy the winter wonderland and cold, enjoy God's beautiful creation.

Psalm 95:4 "In whose hands are the depths of the earth; the peaks of the mountains are His also."

Here in Colorado

I've been here in Colorado visiting my daughter Kelly and granddaughter Analiese now for almost two weeks.  My daughter is a single mom with a 2 1/2 year old daughter, soon to be 3 in January.

I'd forgotten how exhausting it is to handle the 2-year stage of life.  Kelly is doing this all by herself - that's exhausting in itself.  No one else to give her a break.  It's all on her every day.

Analiese is a strong-willed, determined, focused-on-her-wants toddler.  She resists getting dressed in the morning because "I don't want to mommy".  She gets up way too early for Kelly's sleep-deprived body and mind.  Every morning is a tension-filled struggle to get her clothes changed, socks and shoes put on and out the door to daycare and work in a timely manner - which most days doesn't occur.  This too shall pass....right?

There are lunches to pack as well.  What does a 2-year-old want in their lunch?  Who knows.  Every day is different.  One day they might like cheese and crackers with fruit - the next day it just might not be so.  

What does a 2-year told want for dinner?  That's a good question. You just cook something and hope they want to eat it too. Mostly, Analiese will refuse to eat something put on her plate but sees it on mommy's plate and wants to eat from mommy's plate.  Who knew.

Don't get me wrong though - it's not always this way - just most days for now.

Ana loves her mommy and Kelly loves Ana.  They have a special bond. The nighttime ritual can be exhausting for Kelly (since she's put in a full day at work), but when I hear them reading books together, laughing with Ana on her lap, it's a precious memory and cuts deep into my soul.

When I hear Ana say "I'm sorry mommy" when she's not cooperated or cried about mommy saying "no", it's a good feeling.

Ana loves the park and the cartoon "Justin Time".  She loves her friends at daycare and prays for them every night.  She loves frozen fruit bars and most recently her Halloween candy.  She loves it when her mommy comes home from work or picks her up from daycare.  As Analiese would say "mommy, you're my best friend."

Yia-Yia is secondary to mommy.  I'm here to give Kelly a much needed break.  She's making time while I'm here to take walks, hike with a friend, visit with friends, do her devotional at a coffee shop, learn how to make pies from Tracy down the street here in Minturn and whatever else she wants to do.  

I love to see her interacting with Analiese: playing with legos building towers, tickling, reading books, watching a cartoon snuggled up under a blanket on the couch and playing at the park. It does this mama's heart good.

I'm leaving in a few weeks for home.  I will miss them and I know they will miss me.  There will be some tears shed and sad good-byes given.

Kelly has much on her shoulders, but I know the strength of her God is greater than any struggle she may face.  There is a good community here for them both, a wonderful church family, and a good job.

God will always supply everything Kelly and Ana need.

Many moms have said to Kelly "this stage will pass.  The best stages are 3-7.  It will get better." Raising a strong-willed, determined-to-do-my-thing toddler is difficult, but as Kelly has said to me "mom, I'd rather have a feisty, lively, opinionated daughter who will stand up for herself than one who is not."  Well, this she does have.

Ana is well-liked by her friends and is a leader at daycare.  She speaks her mind and knows what she wants.

I'm looking forward to seeing how Analiese grows.  Kelly is doing a great job.  As all moms do, she wonders if she is making a difference or teaching Ana well.  I can say she is doing well. There are no perfect moms or ever will be.  Just keep on doing what is right, keep re-enforcing good behavior, keep praying at bedtime, keep attending church, say you're sorry when it's needed, give lots of hugs and kisses and just be you.

Each child is unique.  Go with it.  Don't try to make them like someone else.  Accept their personality. 

God is the one who wraps his arms around Kelly and Ana every day. He sees. He knows. He provides. I can be assured of this as I pray for them every day.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

Laura Rodriguez

Sheer panic swept into every cell of my body. “I’m pregnant?” I never imagined this would happen.  

Visiting Planned Parenthood with a friend, I received a pregnancy test finding out I was six weeks pregnant.  

Walking out the door, a numbing feeling of dread crept slowly into my heart.  How was I going to face the reality of a positive pregnancy test at the immature age of 17?

Drowning in regret, panic and uncertainty, the weight of emotion was so heavy that I could scarcely draw a breath.

I had allowed myself to walk away from my Christian upbringing and put God on the back burner of my life - letting my guard down and now facing a decision that could impact the rest of my life.

Having relayed this news to my boyfriend Rudy, with knots in my stomach, I finally got the courage to break this news to my parents. The devastation they felt I will never forget.  The decision was placed on my shoulders.  I had a choice to make.

My Decision

Feeling overwhelmed and thinking “I’m a Junior in High School. How can I do this in front of everyone”? I made the decision to get an abortion.

The easiest option. 

The option that would make it all go away.

Receiving a list of abortion clinics from Planned Parenthood, when I had my pregnancy test, I made an appointment with a clinic in Detroit.  Planned Parenthood in Flint, at the time of my test, gave me absolutely no counseling or other options. 

I surrendered to the wrong notion that abortion was the only logical choice. I was afraid, young and ignorant and not in a right relationship with God.

Hesitantly believing the lies the enemy spoke through the voices of those employed at the clinic, I made the appointment with a clinic in Detroit to have my abortion.

When the dreaded day of the appointment arrived, my parents drove me to the Detroit clinic to end my child’s life.

Walking into the waiting room, I found it full of women and young girls waiting to abort their baby.  Women who were married and already had children, stating they didn’t want more.  It was a surreal feeling – waiting to end a life.

I was herded from the waiting room into another room, and yet another room, with no ultrasound, counseling or options afforded to me.

The young woman taking my blood pressure would not look me in the eyes, but kept up a light conversation with another employee. Noticing she was married and pregnant, I thought, “you don’t care about me at all”, and wondering how she could do this while being pregnant herself.

Once it was over, I had pain and discomfort but also thinking, “okay, it’s done.  It’s over.  I can now put this behind me.”  Relief came, but it would soon raise its ugly head again eight years later.

Leaving the clinic, the only words spoken to me were: “here are some birth control pills.  We’ll get you started so you don’t have to go through this again.”

From this point on, my parents made it very clear to me they did not want Rudy or I seeing each other for a time.  I was raised in a Christian home with Christian values.  Rudy was not a believer.  I knew what was right but chose to resist the tug of the Holy Spirit.

I had no idea how far down I had pushed the reality of my abortion.  It was never discussed.  No one wanted to remember that horrible event.

After a period of time, Rudy and I were able to see each other again.  But once promiscuity starts, it’s hard to stop.

We eventually married when I was 19 and Rudy was 24.  I would soon come to realize how my soul had been suffering for 8 years after my abortion.

When Rudy and I were thinking about starting a family, the issue of my abortion rose up inside me once again.  I became very angry - angry with a society that would feed the lie of abortion so blatantly to young girls and women.  I became very militant against abortion and had to find an outlet for this anger.  I spent one year counseling at the Answer Center for Women, confronting girls and women who were contemplating abortion or had already had one. I had not yet realized my own need for healing.

My Healing

My healing came one night when I was lying in bed praying a generic prayer over our extended families.  Rudy was working a late shift.

I felt a hand on my back so powerful, that I turned around and thought somebody was in the room.  God spoke to me “I want you to go back and remember everything.  I want you to remember from the time you found out to everything you experienced because I have a healing for you.” 

I thought I had dealt with my abortion by asking forgiveness, doing counseling and fighting abortion.  I needed healing?  Just look at the mercy of God that He would come to me and speak of my need for healing. I was forced to confront my past and healing came that night. God unearthed the deeply rooted shame hidden in the caverns of my soul.

Praise God for that day when His presence burst into my life so powerfully, so unexpectedly to bring healing and crush the lies of the enemy beneath His Sovereignty.

My Passion

                                               

I have no doubt now that God welcomed my precious unborn baby into His arms that day.  My passion is for the girls and women who think abortion is the answer because society says, “it’s okay.” It’s a devastation you cannot get over on your own.  You can heal and go on, but you will never forget.

In the many years that have passed since my abortion, I have become an advocate for the unborn child, an advocate to express to young girls and women that abortion is not the answer.

The Ending

God completed His work of healing in my life that night.

After I had my second child, Emily, I had a miscarriage.  I named my miscarried baby and also at that time, I named my aborted baby. 

I know there is a baby waiting for me in Heaven – the one I miscarried, but also the baby I aborted.  What a reunion that will be.

God healed and restored me.  I have two girls, Sara and Emily, who are such a blessing to me and my husband along with six grandchildren.

God is a God who forgives, a God who heals.  If you are living with the pain of an abortion, please allow God to help you and bring healing to your soul.

Verses For Reflection

Psalm 130:3-4             I John 1:9            

Psalm 32:5                  Psalm 103:12

Interviewed, written and edited by Sharon Garner

  

Erin's Story

My abusive marriage ended in 1989, after he filed for divorce.

Moving back into my mom’s house after this, I turned away from Christ.  Hanging out at the neighborhood bar on the west side of Flint, I began connecting with people that I knew from high school - people who were familiar. 

This led me down a path I never imagined.  

Eventually starting a relationship, I began to see him regularly.  This unfortunate connection soon brought an unexpected event – pregnancy. 

Absolute panic washed over me with a violent force.  I thought, “what do I do now?”  My mind whirled, drowning me in a sea of regret and landing me in an abortion clinic.

The father of the child I was carrying was already pursuing another relationship.  I knew I had to tell him. He was completely surprised, but agreed with my decision for an abortion and offered to pay half.

With the appointment made on the recommendation of Planned Parenthood, I entered the abortion clinic by myself to terminate the six-week pregnancy. My thought was “let’s just do this and get it over with.”

After the procedure, I walked out of the clinic relieved that it was over.  Not wanting to face the grief that entered my life that day, I kept this a secret buried deep within my heart.  I suffered in silence, wrapped in a cloak of shame. 

After this devastation in my life, I made the decision to return to college and finish the dental hygiene program, graduating and being licensed in 1992.  Grief and shame were still tucked away in my soul.

During this college program, I began a relationship which lasted six years.  Being in a relationship seemed to be my answer when I felt lonely, afraid or needy.

Still haunting me in the back of my mind was the knowledge that I needed to return to God, surrender my life completely and stop running.  My question was “how do I do this?” 

My journey back to God began one day as I watched a program by T.D. Jakes.  He talked about getting out of our comfort zone.  My comfort zone was being in relationships.  I knew this was for me, and I began my journey back to the Lord walking away from this man.  I returned to the One who had always loved me with the love I was seeking.

Upon my return to God, I started attending a church called New Community Church.  Still not aware that I needed some type of therapy from having the abortion several years later, I struggled in my Christian walk. 

Shame and grief not dealt with can paralyze us from moving forward to healing and purpose.  These feelings were so deeply rooted in the caverns of my soul, but I was still unaware and a mild depression began to set in.

I had no idea that these symptoms were related to my previous abortion.  Hadn’t I put that behind me and tried to forget? But this was the very thing that was holding me back from moving forward in my Christian walk.  Something had to be done.   I made the decision right then to stop living in the shadows of my past and start living in the light of my Savior.

I believe with all my heart that the Holy Spirit was prompting me to deal with this.  This confirmation came when I stumbled upon a ministry called Rachel’s Vineyard - a ministry for women who have had abortions.

 

My weekend retreat of healing was soon to begin.

A Catholic social worker began Rachel’s Vineyard.  Having counseled numerous women who had abortions, she noticed a common denominator: Most of the women she talked to had problems with depression.   Realizing this, the Lord led her to create the ministry Rachel’s Vineyard.

I had just started seeing Jim, who is my husband now, when I went to this weekend retreat in the mid 2000’s.

 

God’s Spirit was all over that weekend.  I was taken through steps of praying and had help processing what happened - processing my grief and mourning this loss, something that I had never done. 

Wave upon wave of emotion pounded onto the soft shore of my heart.

The Holy Spirit was bringing healing.

The weekend culminated in a memorial service where we received a birth certificate having had the opportunity to name our baby.  It was a way of making it tangible, helping me to unleash my bottled up grief and shame.  The symbolism of this service was powerful.

Freedom came

Through this retreat, God brought to me a soul-cleansing, spirit-led release.  I was able to release this child to God, and He healed the under currents of depression and my hidden grief and shame.  I prayed for forgiveness not only for what I had done but also forgiveness for myself - many times women cannot forgive themselves.

The guilt and shame that had paralyzed and overpowered my life was gone.

When I think about my abortion experience now, it is with hope:  The hope of seeing my little one again in heaven.

God is a God who forgives and a God who heals.

My Thoughts

If you are living with the pain of abortion, please let God help you.  He will heal.

Maybe some of the problems you are experiencing emotionally or even physically might have its root in having had an abortion.  God can heal.

If you are considering an abortion, think clearly about the consequences.  For those who have had abortions and never dealt with the trauma, or are still grieving the loss and shame, get some good Christian counseling.  There are services available.  Talk about it and relinquish the bottled up pain.

 

As we all know, life shows up in unexpected ways but God has a way of redeeming those situations in our life. 

I praise God that he opened the door and gave me the awareness that I needed help.  I praise God for the retreat that brought hope back into my life and healed my pain.

If you need healing from the pain of an abortion, please visit the link below:

Rachel’s Vineyard:    http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/

Erin Corbin

Interviewed, written & edited by Sharon Garner

Launching Out

I've been on the launch team for some weeks now to promote a book entitled "How to Love Your Neighbor Without Being Weird" by Amy Lively.

Before this book was ever put into my hands this year, the last two years a desire to reach out to my neighbors in some tangible way was being created in me, but I just didn't know where to start.

Drum roll please and enter: How to Love Your Neighbor Without Being Weird.

This book has given me incentive, started my creative juices flowing and even teaching me what a good neighbor looks like.

Amy talks about starting a Neighborhood Cafe, which is exactly what she did in her own neighborhood.  Inviting your female neighbors over for a cup of coffee and conversation, getting to know their name and something about them.  You never know what will happen.  She shares her mistakes and her successes.

I started this adventure last year, stepping out of my comfort zone to reach out to my neighbors. Ashley and Chris, our neighbors across the street, recently had a baby in the fall of 2014.  I thought, "okay, I'm going to do something for them."  I make a pretty good lasagna, so I decided that would be my gift to them.  What mom doesn't enjoy a meal being brought over?  I took it one step further and bought an outfit with a little toy and a card for Ashley.

Stepping out of my door and knocking on theirs, I found myself feeling like a good neighbor.  Ashley was very appreciative of the food and clothes and later sent me a beautiful thank you card.

Because of my youngest daughter and her husband's dog, when they were here on vacation last year, I was able to find out my neighbor's name behind me, Leanne. She was gracious enough to hunt Sadie down and return her home after she had escaped our yard. What can I do to get to know Leanne even better?  My thoughts are swirling.

Since spring has arrived, I've been thinking what else can I do for my neighbors.

My neighbor next door, Joyce, just had surgery.  "What can I do for her?" is my thought now. 

What about the neighbor on the other side of me?  Her husband yells constantly at her and her son, belittling them both and using foul language.  I'm not sure how I can help her.  Right now I just pray for their family. They need help in a big way.

Dawn, kitty-corner to us across the street, has three boys in high school, a husband and a brother living with her in their small home. I helped her find a job in the medical transcription arena.  Every year we buy a treat from her boys who are Boy Scouts.  They know my husband as Pastor Bruce.  How can I reach out to Dawn this year?  I'm praying for an opportunity.

Recently, I joined an online community where we pray for each of our neighbors.  The website is pray4everyhome.com.  I print off five neighbors every day to pray for.  The names are given to me on this website.  I only needed to register.  

I've also joined the IF: Gathering/Equip community.

You can find them at: ifgathering.com. They have something each month called the IF: Open Table that peaked my curiosity.  The second Sunday of each month you invite 5 people to come to your table at your home.  The table can be an outside picnic table, your dining room table, whatever you want your table to look like.  It can be decorated elegantly, picnic-style, vintage style anything is okay.  Your invite can include women in your neighborhood, church, co-workers - just people you want to get to know.

A simple meal is prepared.  After the meal four women pick a conversation card from the middle of the table and ask a question. Each women answers and a discussion is started with each women sharing her thoughts. The IF:Gathering website provides the four questions for you to download. This has been a God-send.

The next IF: Table is May 17th.  If that date doesn't work, you can chose your own date that month.  I'm already thinking of who I can invite.  A little scary?  You bet.  But I feel this is what God is calling me to do.  

I'm in the process of self-publishing stories of women who have gone through some difficulties in life and have seen the other side of it; women who have come through an abortion, marriage troubles, a child's suicide, a miracle of a birth, relationship struggles and divorce.  These stories, I am hoping, will bring hope and encouragement to other women to say "they got through it, and so can I."

I want to use this book to give to women I meet in my life's journey, in my neighborhood, around my table, to spread the gospel of hope and of Christ's intervention in women's lives.

Many ideas are stirring in me.  I'm not sure exactly how all this will workout, or even what it will look like.  One thing I know for sure is that God will be with me, leading me to women who just need a helping hand or a listening ear.

In my Wednesday night Bible study group for women, I get the opportunity to hear women share their stories, their pain, their joys, sorrows, trials.  Opportunities to pray with them, help them and mostly just listen.

I'm looking forward to seeing what lies ahead and the adventures God has waiting just around the corner. 

Forgiveness with Thanks

This true story is a contribution from my sister Denise Marks. The name of the woman has been withheld for privacy.

Riding the elevator to the 10th floor was surreal. The elevator doors opened to a reception desk.  It was only a few steps to the counter, but my feet felt like leaded weights and all I could do was shuffle.

"We will need your purse, shoes and any other personal items brought with you."  The receptionist handed me a hospital gown.

"Put this on once you are situated in your room; a nurse will visit with you shortly."

She placed my belongings in a locker and escorted me down a long corridor to my temporary home on the psych ward.

As I sat on the edge of the bed, I contemplated the circumstances that had brought me to this place.  I didn't feel like a crazy person, I had never attempted to take my life; I wasn't addicted to drugs and held a full-time job.  Yet, here I was in a hospital gown waiting for a nurse to talk to me.

The Marriage
When I first met Eric, it was a dream come true for a single, divorced mom.  He was good-looking, romantic, charismatic and financially stable.  We met at a local football game.  As we sat in the bleachers and chatted, it became apparent there was a mutual attraction.  We agreed to link up later that evening for dinner.  After a brief courtship with many "too-good-to-be-true" fairy tale moments, we married.

The Hospital
The psych nurse entered my hospital room and took all the usual vitals and then flipped to a new page on her clipboard.

"Let's talk about what brought you here."

After the assessment was completed, I was free to visit the common area where other patients congregated to visit, smoke and play games.

The Marriage
I was happy and content the first two years of marriage.  Apart from the usual marital arguments, life was good.  We purchased a home, enjoyed family vacations and lived a suburbia lifestyle most would envy.  It wasn't unusual for Eric to send flowers to my workplace or send a limo for a surprise lunch date.  There were exquisite gifts and romantic weekend getaways.

But in our third year of marriage, Eric lost his job and everything changed.  It was swift, harsh and the truths sited by his employer left little leave room for debate.  He had cheated the company out of time, money and failed to call on clients.  It wasn't long before the bar stool became Eric's companion of comfort.

The Hospital
I sat perched like a wounded bird on a chair in the common area. The cigarette smoke was suffocating, but I didn't care; my thoughts were focused on the future of my twelve-year-old daughter.  How would all this affect her?  My sadness and depression had left me hopeless and unable to function as a mother.

"Hi, I am Linda."  With tears in my eyes, I looked up to see a young woman standing by my side.  "Is this your first time here?"

She continued, "I cried too on my first visit to the psych ward; I felt so alone."

I wasn't sure what she meant by first visit and shuddered at the thought of being here more than once. Later I learned Linda had been abused as a child and was a frequent patient in the psych ward due to her suicidal tendencies.  It was the first of many interactions I would have with other patients during my hospital stay.

My own circumstances began to register as insignificant as others shared their stories of emotional, physical and mental pain.

My Marriage
After Eric lost his job, he descended into a secret world of drugs, women and alcohol.  Years later I would discover the depth of his abyss and just how close I came to being destroyed by it.  I had married a man that not only lacked integrity, but basic moral principles.

The Hospital
My first therapy session was with eight other patients.  I listened to strangers share the horrors of their physical and emotional abuse; unthinkable acts that I couldn't begin to image.  I have never forgotten how those in my group faced issues far greater than mine, yet reached out with compassion and friendship to help me find my buried hope.

After ten days in the hospital, I checked myself out and returned to work.  I continued with my prescribed meds, but knew all the meds in the world would not fix my broken marriage.

The Marriage
In the early morning hours, Eric crept into our bedroom and crawled beneath the covers.

      " I have something to tell you."

What he said next brought every suspicion to the surface.  I could no longer deny what my heart already knew:

      "Things didn't go well on my job today."  There was a long hesitation before he continued with, so I stopped for a few drinks.  I ended up in a hotel room with a woman I met at the bar....."

The betrayal of a spouse pierces the heart, soul and mind in ways never thought possible.  There are no answers to the questions of why, how could you, or what were you thinking, which only intensifies the heartache of the betrayal.

Eric's admission of infidelity opened Pandora's Box and it wasn't long before I learned his late work nights included prostitutes, strip clubs, alcohol and cocaine use.  I was on the verge of a breakdown as the layers of the man I married were peeled away.  It would eventually send me to the psych ward.

A letter from the IRS is what sent me over the edge.  It stated our home would be seized in 90 days if Eric's delinquent taxes were not paid.  I immediately called Eric and left a message.  He never returned my call and never returned home.

Three months later, I answered a knock at my door and a court officer served me with divorce papers. After closing the door, I phoned my attorney and then fell to the floor and cried.

The Ending
As I stood in the eye of the storm, I couldn't find hope or comprehend God had a plan in place to restore my brokenness; but He did.  With time, family and friends, I was able to rebuild my life, put my daughter through graduate school and eventually marry a man who has been my faithful partner for 17 years.

I haven't spoken to Eric since we divorced, but should we ever have a chance encounter, I would say this:

"I forgive you!  Your weaknesses uncovered my strengths. Your indifference taught me compassion.  Your betrayal of trust showed me I had everything to gain and that when moments in life break us, they can also define and shape us.

I thank you! Through you, I learned the integrity of a person is measured by the obstacles placed before them.  But most of all, I thank you for that visit to the psych ward.  It was there, among the most unlikely friends, I found hope, love and the encouragement to begin again."


Thank you Denise for contributing this story.

Toni Harris

For twenty-two years a high school sweetheart searched for me, and finally, through a mutual friend, he found me and called.

He drove up from Texas, where he now lived, and proceeded to sweep me off my feet. After all those years, like a knight in shining armor coming to rescue the princess and take her away on his valiant steed, he expressed his undying love for me.  He spoke of wanting to be my husband, the father of my children and everything else a single mom, living on her own would want to hear.  I felt adored, loved and wanted.

Within a couple of months, he flew me to Texas to see his home and how he lived.  With the anticipation of blending our families, and requiring more room, we went house shopping. We settled on a 2500 square foot modular home with four bedrooms, even picking out the cabinets and everything our new home would need.

My dream was finally coming true.  

As a single mom, I struggled to make ends meet, wanting a man to come into my life and say, “Toni, I’m going to take care of it all and give you everything you’ve ever wanted.” 

I returned home, and as I immersed myself in preparations to make this dream come true, a nagging feeling began to emerge deep inside of me, a feeling that something wasn’t right.

I knew in my heart-of-hearts that he wasn’t living for the Lord.

Part of me was convinced that if he was around me, I could persuade him.  He would see my love for the Lord and be drawn to God.  But God showed me the truth.  He revealed to me that I needed to search the scriptures to find all the marriages that were unevenly yoked, so I could see what the results of such a union would be.  To my surprise, every example ended in one mate turning away from God and worshiping other gods.  This was a heart-crushing moment for me.  As much as the relationship seemed like a dream come true, the thought of being pulled away from the Lord was unbearable. 

I knew it would be a nightmare for me to lose my relationship with Jesus.  I could not do that.  Right then I knew that there was only one thing I needed to do: cut this relationship off.  This was going to be difficult because I knew he was in the process of buying this house, property, and preparing for my arrival.  But I had to end this relationship and tell him "I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this”.

My emotions during this time were like a rollercoaster ride – up and down, twisting and turning, first feeling like a school girl who had fluttery feelings of “Look, I’m going to get married” and then thinking, “This isn’t real.”  My mind swirled, “This has to be nothing more than a lie from the devil himself.  This is not what God has for me”.  I had to come to terms with these overwhelming emotions and thoughts. 

I have to admit there was a part of me that said “I’ve been married twice before, and they were both outside of a relationship with the Lord”.  I felt God had done so much in me and changed me that now I could be a good wife, a godly wife.  Part of me thought, “Here’s my opportunity,” but another part of me realized that this is not it.  I struggled with the thought that I might never be married and wondered if this was just a test: a test of whether I was going to follow my own reasoning or be true to what I believed and trust God.

I knew I had to make the phone call. 

It would be a very difficult conversation for me, since he was not living for the Lord.  I had to say “You know I can’t marry you.  I can’t move down there because it’s not what the Lord wants me to do.”  It was, of course, not a sufficient answer for him.  His response was what I expected: “What do you mean? We decided on this.  We made these plans.  How can you just say ‘I’ve changed my mind’?”  He was very angry with me, and actually went ahead and purchased the house and has lived in it ever since.

In the natural it looked like everything that a single mom struggling to raise her children would want, a man who loved and adored her with a well-paying job, providing a nice stable home, but it was all founded on shifting sand. 

Through this, I’ve learned a very important lesson:  

I have to truly trust the Lord and know that Jesus is the only one who can provide true stability for me and my children, not a man.  I had to trust him through this whole process.   Everything in the natural was telling me, “Are you stupid?”  I had to know that He would always guide me and direct me, if I was willing and obedient in my heart to respond to what He would tell me.

This took me to a point where I received the Lord as my husband, saying “You are the one who is going to provide for me.  You are the one that I’m going to look to for all the things I need.”  It’s interesting that not long after this incident happened the Lord put it into my heart to purchase a home, which I had no idea I could do because of my credit history.  I always tell people when they come to my house that this is the house God gave me. 

I believe the Lord took me through this whole journey to show me He will provide.  I had miracle after miracle.  It was God’s hand in my life saying “I am your husband.  I will take care of you and your children”.  It changed the way I viewed God, making my relationship with Him more intimate.

In this journey, I've learned I am to pursue God alone.  Whether I ever become a wife or my children have a father is irrelevant.  I must love the Lord regardless of my circumstances, and He is faithful and just.  He loves me with a pure love that I can never find in this world.  My completion is in the Lord. 

The Lord has taken me to a place where I can have a relationship now and not look to a man to be my all-in-all.  It’s strengthened my commitment making be stronger in my faith.  I am able to recognize my weaknesses and be okay with being weak.  God will be my strength.  I am more aware and more on guard.

The childhood sweetheart? 

He has been in contact with me off and on since then.  Now that I am on the other side of this, and trusting God for everything, I have told him once again that I am looking for someone to be a spiritual leader in my life and you’re not there. I will be your friend, but I cannot be in this picture that you’ve envisioned. 

It’s been freeing for me to know that it’s okay to put boundaries up and say, “No I’m sorry, this goes against what I believe,” and to be able to live that out.  It’s helped me to come full circle.  I know in my heart that at the end of every day, I must remain true to what I believe. 

Interviewed & edited by Sharon Garner 

Sue Drake

These past few years have been quite stressful.  I thought a few months of sick leave would relieve the horrible pain that consumed my every moment, and then, I could once again handle the stresses of my job.  But I needed relief from the anxiety that was threatening to push me over the edge of no return.

But the sick leave did not work as I had hoped. 

Instead, I experienced increased pain and stress, and I was unable to return to work.  Now I’m on narcotic medications in an attempt to bring some relief to my physical pain, and I still deal with stress that goes along with losing a pretty decent paying job.

I had fallen into an abyss where I could see no hope, but God blessed me with a few trusted dear friends who would hope for me when I couldn’t.

My physical problems started at birth. 

I was born with a rare, degenerative bone and joint birth defect that has resulted in over a dozen surgeries and multiple injuries, and now the diagnosis of severe fibromyalgia on top of it.  I live every day in chronic pain, and cannot remember what it is to be pain-free.

As I grew, I allowed these defects, abnormalities, and pain to cause wrong thinking about myself.  I began to think of myself as defective.  I already had seen myself as different as a consequence of dealing with this all of my life, and that came with emotional pain.  Adding to this, a marriage to a man who rejected me and was emotionally and verbally abusive only caused more messed up thinking about who I was.  This accelerated beyond my control.  I took on the identity of a failure, a loser, and undesirable.  Thank God that I sought counseling, for I honestly believe I would not be here today if I had not done so.  She literally saved my life.

Life seemed so much easier when I kept hidden the deep pain of my soul: the raw and bleeding hurts, rejections, abuses.  Nevertheless, I began to share a little here and there with my closest friends, but because of the fear of rejection and deception by the enemy, I kept the worst of my pain inside.

Then one day my world crumbled all around me. 

I realized that the healing that I needed when I first went on sick leave was not happening.  My mom had to have chemotherapy after having a mastectomy a few months before, and then months of radiation.  My nephew, who was only 22, was killed in an accident during this time, adding grief and sorrow to my feelings of failure and rejection. A month later, my boss, who was one of my dearest friends, died suddenly. I broke down. I lay in bed staring at the four walls, not wanting to get up, just wanting to sleep. 

“Would there ever be an end to all of this?” I thought.  It was hard enough when you’re strong, but I was in a fragile place, and just wanted to disappear.

I know that God is with me and can heal my unrelenting pain. 

I never doubted that through all of this.  But there have definitely been times where I have wondered where He was and why I have had to go through this.  I am not talking about a desert experience; I am talking about a death experience.  A death of who I was, who I thought I would be.

I’ve realized that I have a choice of who I want to be.  I don’t have a choice when it comes to my physical difficulties.  There is no medical cure.  There is no hope physically when you have a disease that causes degeneration of your bones and joints.  I will live in pain, but always praying for the day when God will completely heal me.  Fatigue will overwhelm me at times.  I will no longer be able to function athletically as I once did.  My emotions will be affected and mentally I will deal with loss of concentration and memory due to the intense pain.

However, I do have a choice to live or die—to live physically, emotionally and mentally. I may have no control in the natural, but I do have a choice whether I allow God to use me the way I am or just survive.  As far as my choices go, I know that I may not always make the right ones.  I will have seasons where I’m angry, discouraged and want to give up.  But there are also those times when I lay all of that aside and allow the Holy Spirit to have His way in my life, to use me as He chooses.  I wish that I could say I am brave and strong and have “super human” abilities that cause me to never have bad days, days of self pity, but I’m human.  I live in a body that, at times, screams and cries out in pain and mental anguish.  But in the midst of the unrelenting pain, I still trust in Him who made me, in Him who can heal me.

I’m trusting the Lord for direction for healing of my physical body. I do have a peace that He is going to see me through this, but having no clue what tomorrow will bring.  I know that God can make a way where there seems to be no way.  I just have to trust and quit trying to figure it out for Him. 

My prayer is this:

Lord, help me to trust, help me to lay my frustrations, my worries down.  I don’t want to have an emotional relapse.  I need your strength, mine is gone.  Yours is better anyhow.  Thank you for the foundation that you have laid in me so many years ago and continue to build, mend, and repair.  Because of your foundation under my feet, I can express to you my insecurities, my anguish, my fears, my emotional and mental pain. You know my heart, I’m trusting that you will not let my feet stumble.  I am still trusting that one day I will be made completely whole.  I will not give up.

Edited by Sharon Garner

Taken from Sue Drake's Journal Writings 

Diane Breckenridge

My 10-year promise to God had been broken.  In breaking the promise, I was unaware of the ramifications it would ignite.     

After a two year involvement with a man, I made a promise to God that I would not get tangled up in anymore dating relationships.  I needed to concentrate on raising my kids, Courtney and Nick. 

With this promise made, I raised my children and had a blast.  During this time, I started a ministry called “Renewed Hope” to reach out to women who had been abused.  Things were going well.

Unfortunately, this was not to last.  

My promise fell apart in September of 2009 when I met Rodney.  I knew he had some issues, but I was not fully aware, as yet, of how deep those issues went.

At this time, Courtney was in college and Nick had graduated from high school.  I had nothing to do anymore, thinking, “nobody needs me”.  Since Rodney said he was a Christian, I thought, “Okay God, this must be for me.” I literally talked myself into believing that this was right—that God had sent him to me.  I even allowed him to move into my home.  I should have gotten a clue when my son moved out to live with another family, but I didn’t.

With Rodney living in my house, I soon became aware that he was addicted to crack.  Because of who I am, I tried to help him, but the wrong way.  It’s never a good idea to try to be someone’s Savior.   

Christmas of that same year found me in a state of depression. Since allowing him to move in, the Holy Spirit was convicting me big time, and my children intervened.  They “kidnapped” me—taking me to my church to see one of my pastors.  His response: “We’ve got to get him out of your house”.  Eventually, he did leave, ending this disastrous relationship that had lasted close to four years.  My son then returned home.

When I look back on this

I realize I had no idea the hurt my children endured, especially my son.  I was all they had growing up.    

I became immersed in shame, and began surrendering  to my thoughts thinking, “I fell at church, fell at work, and hurt my children, now it’s all hitting me.”

Filled with regret, and repeatedly getting hit with thoughts of unworthiness, I began to push people out of my life.  Overwhelmed with feelings of shame, I began to have problems with my hip.

Freedom One Sunday Morning

It came to a head one Sunday morning at church in April of 2013, when I went up for prayer for my hips.  “You’ve got to pray for my hips.  I’m sick of this pain and being on pain meds”, I said to my friend Marvin.  Marvin prayed for me, but also said, “Diane, I’ve got to tell you something. God says he wants to do a great work through you, and he’s going to heal your pain, but first he has to heal your emotional pain”, so Marvin prayed for me.

This was the beginning of my life being changed forever in April of 2013.  The change continued during a sermon series Pastor Bruce had started on embracing God’s love. He stressed how our sins have been forgiven as far as the east is from the west, even explaining that north and south have an end point, but east and west do not. I thought “Wow! That’s it! God you’ve forgiven me”.

God's Continued Work

During the next few months, God continued to work in me, and Thanksgiving morning of 2013, while at the gym, my freedom came.  God spoke to me as I exercised and sang songs from my iPod.  While praising God and sobbing, He spoke to me the word “shame” and said, “it’s going to kill you.  This is what you’ve got to let go of and the unworthiness”.  As the songs played and with my eyes closed, I saw visions of chains breaking off of me. The Holy Spirit kept saying “name your chains.” So I named my chains—unworthiness and shame.  God was definitely getting my attention as the songs continued playing:  “He Knows My Name” and “Moving Forward”. 

I learned something about myself through all this, and it has changed me.  I now like me.  I laugh more, have my joy back, I’m more obedient to God and I have hope.  Oh yes, and the pain in my hips is gone.  I have been set free. 

My ministry “Renewed Hope” is restarted after many road blocks and detours. This difficult time has taught me I cannot do anything without God, and if I don’t listen to him, my life can become a chaotic mess.  I have learned that even at my worst, God will use me to witness to other people.

Now, I know God loves me unconditionally.  

He has brought me out of feeling shameful and unworthy.  I am convinced He did everything possible to get my attention until He just took me to the end.  It’s as if He said, “Okay Diane, you’ve got everybody out of your life now, except me.”  If God tried that hard to hang onto me and never gave up on me, He must really want something from me.  You don’t serve God because you’re trying to get in with Him.  You serve Him because of what He’s already done for you.  Why wouldn’t you want to?

I think my heart is more compassionate now.  And because of what I’ve been through, I’ve had more opportunities to talk about shame and how it can cripple you.

The darkness isn’t there anymore and the unfilled emptiness is gone.  I can now worship freely again. God has used this experience to mold and shape me because He wants me to lean on Him alone.

Written by Sharon Garner

Interviewing Diane Breckenridge

Diane Hestor

This vacation would be like no other.  I had no inkling of the devastating news I would receive.  As we packed and prepared for our summer family vacation, I felt a nudge from the Lord to talk to my husband Steve about an incident that had happened years ago earlier in our marriage.  Brushing it aside, I thought, “this happened 20 years ago.  Why would I bring that up now while we are getting ready for vacation?  “This can’t be God”, and proceeded to talk myself out of such a revealing moment.

Our vacation was going along well, until the last evening.  

After dinner, I had decided to take a walk along the lake behind our campsite. Steve followed me after I had been gone for a few minutes.  It was at this time my husband of 21 years asked me for a divorce. My mind reeled, thinking “Divorce?”  I was plainly in shock, not suspecting this scenario at all.  It’s amazing I could even think of saying, “you’re involved with someone aren’t you?”  His response was “yes.”

After this confirmation, I recalled the nudging I had experienced prior to leaving on vacation and began to relay to Steve the incident of 20 years ago. 

We had been married for a few years and living in California.  

We were at a very low point in our marriage.  Steve had been discharged out of the army and doing drugs.   I was working and feeling very alone taking care of our son Steven, who was between two and three years old.  During this time of loneliness, I had an affair.   As I relayed this to my husband, his face expressed shock but still dead-set on wanting to end our marriage.

It felt like a tsunami had hit me with violent force.  I felt physically ill. 

In that moment, he expressed to me that I was a great person, and even a great mom, but we were just too different.  I was a Christian, and he was not.  “You should meet someone more like you”, he said.  Already feeling emotionally stunned, he expressed he wasn’t happy.

How do you recuperate from that, having to pretend none of this happened, since my youngest son and his friend were with us?  We had the packing up and the drive home yet.

Upon returning home, he wanted to continue living in our house together for at least another week.  After what seemed like eternity, he moved out.  Before he did, we sat down with our two boys, Steven and Karl, and told them the uncomfortable news, “mom and dad are getting a divorce.”  I left the room crying forced to face the fact that our marriage was over.  Thankfully, my boys were very comforting to me.

Seven years went by before he filed for divorce.   

Divorce is a painful experience.  You really do become one.  I experienced pain from crying but also an actual physical tearing from deep within my soul.  Thoughts would swirl around in my head wondering “what am I going to do now? I can’t believe this has happened to me?”

I needed help in getting through this, so I began going to divorce care and read a book on divorce from the perspective of the one who asked for the divorce.  It was a real eye opener.  I started to grasp his emotional disconnect when he broke the news.  He had already separated himself from me and made the decision to leave.  Now I had to start the process as well.

Divorcing is a lot like death, except the person is still alive. 

I went through the stages of grief.  In order to get through my stage of anger, I began working out, lifting weights, because I didn’t know what to do with myself.  Some of my angriest moments were watching my children trying to handle our divorce.  I eventually came to the place where I would allow myself the space to feel it emotionally.  I knew I needed to.

Something remarkable happened to me in 2013 as I sat in church. 

Our pastor was preaching about husbands and wives, something that was still uncomfortable for me to hear.  As he preached, I felt my emotions stir again, feeling the pain.  In that moment, I brought this pain to the Lord, giving it to Him, not knowing what else to do.  

That Sunday evening, as I was getting ready for bed, I realized the emotion I was feeling was unforgiveness.  “After all this time, unforgiveness?”  The Holy Spirit was telling me that I needed to forgive Steve.  Forgive him for taking away my dream of growing old with someone.  I recalled thinking that thought when he told me he wanted a divorce. Praise God for that extraordinary evening when God’s presence burst into my life and I relinquished my unforgiving heart.

Through all this, I have learned

I cannot control anybody else or their choices, only my own.  I’m responsible for me……Diane.  I had to deal with regretful thoughts like “how come I couldn’t win over my husband like the Proverbs 31 woman? I did pray for him, fasted for him?”  I had to come to terms that I was not responsible for the choices he made.

I’ve learned to embrace today and realize that once today is gone, it’s gone. 

I have found a strength I never knew existed in me – living alone, doing things on my own.  My circle of friends has become larger.  I am totally surrounded.

Today, when I look at myself, I see someone completely different.  There are things I will not settle for again, when I do meet someone else.  It has made me know the Lord as my husband and deeply enriched my faith family. 

Interviewed and edited by Sharon Garner