Toni Harris

For twenty-two years a high school sweetheart searched for me, and finally, through a mutual friend, he found me and called.

He drove up from Texas, where he now lived, and proceeded to sweep me off my feet. After all those years, like a knight in shining armor coming to rescue the princess and take her away on his valiant steed, he expressed his undying love for me.  He spoke of wanting to be my husband, the father of my children and everything else a single mom, living on her own would want to hear.  I felt adored, loved and wanted.

Within a couple of months, he flew me to Texas to see his home and how he lived.  With the anticipation of blending our families, and requiring more room, we went house shopping. We settled on a 2500 square foot modular home with four bedrooms, even picking out the cabinets and everything our new home would need.

My dream was finally coming true.  

As a single mom, I struggled to make ends meet, wanting a man to come into my life and say, “Toni, I’m going to take care of it all and give you everything you’ve ever wanted.” 

I returned home, and as I immersed myself in preparations to make this dream come true, a nagging feeling began to emerge deep inside of me, a feeling that something wasn’t right.

I knew in my heart-of-hearts that he wasn’t living for the Lord.

Part of me was convinced that if he was around me, I could persuade him.  He would see my love for the Lord and be drawn to God.  But God showed me the truth.  He revealed to me that I needed to search the scriptures to find all the marriages that were unevenly yoked, so I could see what the results of such a union would be.  To my surprise, every example ended in one mate turning away from God and worshiping other gods.  This was a heart-crushing moment for me.  As much as the relationship seemed like a dream come true, the thought of being pulled away from the Lord was unbearable. 

I knew it would be a nightmare for me to lose my relationship with Jesus.  I could not do that.  Right then I knew that there was only one thing I needed to do: cut this relationship off.  This was going to be difficult because I knew he was in the process of buying this house, property, and preparing for my arrival.  But I had to end this relationship and tell him "I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this”.

My emotions during this time were like a rollercoaster ride – up and down, twisting and turning, first feeling like a school girl who had fluttery feelings of “Look, I’m going to get married” and then thinking, “This isn’t real.”  My mind swirled, “This has to be nothing more than a lie from the devil himself.  This is not what God has for me”.  I had to come to terms with these overwhelming emotions and thoughts. 

I have to admit there was a part of me that said “I’ve been married twice before, and they were both outside of a relationship with the Lord”.  I felt God had done so much in me and changed me that now I could be a good wife, a godly wife.  Part of me thought, “Here’s my opportunity,” but another part of me realized that this is not it.  I struggled with the thought that I might never be married and wondered if this was just a test: a test of whether I was going to follow my own reasoning or be true to what I believed and trust God.

I knew I had to make the phone call. 

It would be a very difficult conversation for me, since he was not living for the Lord.  I had to say “You know I can’t marry you.  I can’t move down there because it’s not what the Lord wants me to do.”  It was, of course, not a sufficient answer for him.  His response was what I expected: “What do you mean? We decided on this.  We made these plans.  How can you just say ‘I’ve changed my mind’?”  He was very angry with me, and actually went ahead and purchased the house and has lived in it ever since.

In the natural it looked like everything that a single mom struggling to raise her children would want, a man who loved and adored her with a well-paying job, providing a nice stable home, but it was all founded on shifting sand. 

Through this, I’ve learned a very important lesson:  

I have to truly trust the Lord and know that Jesus is the only one who can provide true stability for me and my children, not a man.  I had to trust him through this whole process.   Everything in the natural was telling me, “Are you stupid?”  I had to know that He would always guide me and direct me, if I was willing and obedient in my heart to respond to what He would tell me.

This took me to a point where I received the Lord as my husband, saying “You are the one who is going to provide for me.  You are the one that I’m going to look to for all the things I need.”  It’s interesting that not long after this incident happened the Lord put it into my heart to purchase a home, which I had no idea I could do because of my credit history.  I always tell people when they come to my house that this is the house God gave me. 

I believe the Lord took me through this whole journey to show me He will provide.  I had miracle after miracle.  It was God’s hand in my life saying “I am your husband.  I will take care of you and your children”.  It changed the way I viewed God, making my relationship with Him more intimate.

In this journey, I've learned I am to pursue God alone.  Whether I ever become a wife or my children have a father is irrelevant.  I must love the Lord regardless of my circumstances, and He is faithful and just.  He loves me with a pure love that I can never find in this world.  My completion is in the Lord. 

The Lord has taken me to a place where I can have a relationship now and not look to a man to be my all-in-all.  It’s strengthened my commitment making be stronger in my faith.  I am able to recognize my weaknesses and be okay with being weak.  God will be my strength.  I am more aware and more on guard.

The childhood sweetheart? 

He has been in contact with me off and on since then.  Now that I am on the other side of this, and trusting God for everything, I have told him once again that I am looking for someone to be a spiritual leader in my life and you’re not there. I will be your friend, but I cannot be in this picture that you’ve envisioned. 

It’s been freeing for me to know that it’s okay to put boundaries up and say, “No I’m sorry, this goes against what I believe,” and to be able to live that out.  It’s helped me to come full circle.  I know in my heart that at the end of every day, I must remain true to what I believe. 

Interviewed & edited by Sharon Garner