Visiting Planned Parenthood with
a friend, I received a pregnancy test finding out I was six weeks
pregnant.
Walking out the door, a numbing
feeling of dread crept slowly into my heart.
How was I going to face the reality of a positive pregnancy test at the
immature age of 17?
Drowning in regret, panic
and uncertainty, the weight of emotion was so heavy that I could scarcely draw
a breath.
I had allowed myself to
walk away from my Christian upbringing and put God on the back burner of my
life - letting my guard down and now facing a decision that could impact the
rest of my life.
Having relayed this news
to my boyfriend Rudy, with knots in my stomach, I finally got the courage to
break this news to my parents. The devastation they felt I will never
forget. The decision was placed on my
shoulders. I had a choice to make.
My Decision
Feeling overwhelmed and
thinking “I’m a Junior in High School. How
can I do this in front of everyone”? I made the decision to get an abortion.
The easiest option.
The option that would make
it all go away.
Receiving a list of
abortion clinics from Planned Parenthood, when I had my pregnancy test, I made
an appointment with a clinic in Detroit.
Planned Parenthood in Flint, at the time of my test, gave me absolutely
no counseling or other options.
I surrendered to the wrong
notion that abortion was the only logical choice. I was afraid, young and
ignorant and not in a right relationship with God.
Hesitantly believing the
lies the enemy spoke through the voices of those employed at the clinic, I made
the appointment with a clinic in Detroit to have my abortion.
When the dreaded day of
the appointment arrived, my parents drove me to the Detroit clinic to end my
child’s life.
Walking into the waiting
room, I found it full of women and young girls waiting to abort their
baby. Women who were married and already
had children, stating they didn’t want more. It
was a surreal feeling – waiting
to end a life.
I was herded from the
waiting room into another room, and yet another room, with no ultrasound,
counseling or options afforded to me.
The young woman taking my
blood pressure would not look me in the eyes, but kept up a light conversation
with another employee. Noticing she was married and pregnant, I thought, “you don’t care about me at all”, and wondering how she could
do this while being pregnant herself.
Once it was over, I had
pain and discomfort but also thinking, “okay, it’s done. It’s over. I can now put this behind me.” Relief came, but it would soon raise its ugly
head again eight years later.
Leaving the clinic, the
only words spoken to me were: “here are some birth control pills. We’ll get you started so you don’t have to go through this
again.”
From this point on, my
parents made it very clear to me they did not want Rudy or I seeing each other
for a time. I was raised in a Christian
home with Christian values. Rudy was not
a believer. I knew what was right but
chose to resist the tug of the Holy Spirit.
I had no idea how far down
I had pushed the reality of my abortion.
It was never discussed. No one
wanted to remember that horrible event.
After a period of time,
Rudy and I were able to see each other again.
But once promiscuity starts, it’s hard to stop.
We eventually married when
I was 19 and Rudy was 24. I would soon
come to realize how my soul had been suffering for 8 years after my abortion.
When Rudy and I were
thinking about starting a family, the issue of my abortion rose up inside me
once again. I became very angry - angry
with a society that would feed the lie of abortion so blatantly to young girls
and women. I became very militant
against abortion and had to find an outlet for this anger. I spent one year counseling at the Answer
Center for Women, confronting girls and women who were contemplating abortion
or had already had one. I had not yet realized my own need for healing.
My Healing
My healing came one night
when I was lying in bed praying a generic prayer over our extended
families. Rudy was working a late shift.
I felt a hand on my back
so powerful, that I turned around and thought somebody was in the room. God spoke to me “I want you to go back and
remember everything. I want you to
remember from the time you found out to everything you experienced because I
have a healing for you.”
I thought I had dealt with
my abortion by asking forgiveness, doing counseling and fighting abortion. I needed healing? Just look at the mercy of God that He would
come to me and speak of my need for healing. I was forced to confront my past
and healing came that night. God unearthed the deeply rooted shame hidden in
the caverns of my soul.
Praise God for that day
when His presence burst into my life so powerfully, so unexpectedly to bring
healing and crush the lies of the enemy beneath His Sovereignty.
My Passion
I have no doubt now that
God welcomed my precious unborn baby into His arms that day. My passion is for the girls and women who
think abortion is the answer because society says, “it’s okay.” It’s a devastation you cannot get
over on your own. You can heal and go
on, but you will never forget.
In the many years that
have passed since my abortion, I have become an advocate for the unborn child,
an advocate to express to young girls and women that abortion is not the
answer.
The Ending
God completed His work of
healing in my life that night.
After I had my second
child, Emily, I had a miscarriage. I
named my miscarried baby and also at that time, I named my aborted baby.
I know there is a baby
waiting for me in Heaven – the one
I miscarried, but also the baby I aborted.
What a reunion that will be.
God
healed and restored me. I have two
girls, Sara and Emily, who are such a blessing to me and my husband along with
six grandchildren.
God
is a God who forgives, a God who heals.
If you are living with the pain of an abortion, please allow God to help
you and bring healing to your soul.
Verses For
Reflection
Psalm 130:3-4 I
John 1:9
Psalm 32:5 Psalm
103:12
Interviewed, written and edited by Sharon Garner
