Sue Drake

These past few years have been quite stressful.  I thought a few months of sick leave would relieve the horrible pain that consumed my every moment, and then, I could once again handle the stresses of my job.  But I needed relief from the anxiety that was threatening to push me over the edge of no return.

But the sick leave did not work as I had hoped. 

Instead, I experienced increased pain and stress, and I was unable to return to work.  Now I’m on narcotic medications in an attempt to bring some relief to my physical pain, and I still deal with stress that goes along with losing a pretty decent paying job.

I had fallen into an abyss where I could see no hope, but God blessed me with a few trusted dear friends who would hope for me when I couldn’t.

My physical problems started at birth. 

I was born with a rare, degenerative bone and joint birth defect that has resulted in over a dozen surgeries and multiple injuries, and now the diagnosis of severe fibromyalgia on top of it.  I live every day in chronic pain, and cannot remember what it is to be pain-free.

As I grew, I allowed these defects, abnormalities, and pain to cause wrong thinking about myself.  I began to think of myself as defective.  I already had seen myself as different as a consequence of dealing with this all of my life, and that came with emotional pain.  Adding to this, a marriage to a man who rejected me and was emotionally and verbally abusive only caused more messed up thinking about who I was.  This accelerated beyond my control.  I took on the identity of a failure, a loser, and undesirable.  Thank God that I sought counseling, for I honestly believe I would not be here today if I had not done so.  She literally saved my life.

Life seemed so much easier when I kept hidden the deep pain of my soul: the raw and bleeding hurts, rejections, abuses.  Nevertheless, I began to share a little here and there with my closest friends, but because of the fear of rejection and deception by the enemy, I kept the worst of my pain inside.

Then one day my world crumbled all around me. 

I realized that the healing that I needed when I first went on sick leave was not happening.  My mom had to have chemotherapy after having a mastectomy a few months before, and then months of radiation.  My nephew, who was only 22, was killed in an accident during this time, adding grief and sorrow to my feelings of failure and rejection. A month later, my boss, who was one of my dearest friends, died suddenly. I broke down. I lay in bed staring at the four walls, not wanting to get up, just wanting to sleep. 

“Would there ever be an end to all of this?” I thought.  It was hard enough when you’re strong, but I was in a fragile place, and just wanted to disappear.

I know that God is with me and can heal my unrelenting pain. 

I never doubted that through all of this.  But there have definitely been times where I have wondered where He was and why I have had to go through this.  I am not talking about a desert experience; I am talking about a death experience.  A death of who I was, who I thought I would be.

I’ve realized that I have a choice of who I want to be.  I don’t have a choice when it comes to my physical difficulties.  There is no medical cure.  There is no hope physically when you have a disease that causes degeneration of your bones and joints.  I will live in pain, but always praying for the day when God will completely heal me.  Fatigue will overwhelm me at times.  I will no longer be able to function athletically as I once did.  My emotions will be affected and mentally I will deal with loss of concentration and memory due to the intense pain.

However, I do have a choice to live or die—to live physically, emotionally and mentally. I may have no control in the natural, but I do have a choice whether I allow God to use me the way I am or just survive.  As far as my choices go, I know that I may not always make the right ones.  I will have seasons where I’m angry, discouraged and want to give up.  But there are also those times when I lay all of that aside and allow the Holy Spirit to have His way in my life, to use me as He chooses.  I wish that I could say I am brave and strong and have “super human” abilities that cause me to never have bad days, days of self pity, but I’m human.  I live in a body that, at times, screams and cries out in pain and mental anguish.  But in the midst of the unrelenting pain, I still trust in Him who made me, in Him who can heal me.

I’m trusting the Lord for direction for healing of my physical body. I do have a peace that He is going to see me through this, but having no clue what tomorrow will bring.  I know that God can make a way where there seems to be no way.  I just have to trust and quit trying to figure it out for Him. 

My prayer is this:

Lord, help me to trust, help me to lay my frustrations, my worries down.  I don’t want to have an emotional relapse.  I need your strength, mine is gone.  Yours is better anyhow.  Thank you for the foundation that you have laid in me so many years ago and continue to build, mend, and repair.  Because of your foundation under my feet, I can express to you my insecurities, my anguish, my fears, my emotional and mental pain. You know my heart, I’m trusting that you will not let my feet stumble.  I am still trusting that one day I will be made completely whole.  I will not give up.

Edited by Sharon Garner

Taken from Sue Drake's Journal Writings